Hoth: Blood and Ice

[Baesal Zyn]

What was even happening?

She did not trust that woman but Omandri seemed reasonable...but he was still a Rist. One thing she hated: being gaslit and she thought she was.

Then there was the truck to inspect, again.

''Better be worth it''

[Layne Hoshin]

Baesal would spot Layne, sitting out by her own ship. She looked... not exactly as terrible off as she had been the day before. But she looked distraught nonetheless. There was a new conflict brewing inside her, and she saw no way to resolve it.

[Baesal Zyn]

She removed a large chunck of ice from her speeder before putti g her tools aside and walked over to the Sunset Dawn

"Good morning Layne. Something on your mind?"

[Layne Hoshin]

"...just... stuff," she said, "...talked to Daz."

[Baesal Zyn]

"...Oh..." She pursed her lips "...how did it go..."

[Layne Hoshin]

"Better than I thought, worse than I'd like," she said. "...I'm not sure I can do what he wants me to do."

[Baesal Zyn]

"What is that?" She suspected she knew

[Layne Hoshin]

She sighed.

"...sit in a prison or on Tython for however long it takes people to decide I've been punished enough. How am I supposed to do anything that way? I'd just go back to being stuck again."

[Baesal Zyn]

Baesal took a long breath

"For the prison, yeah... that's the definition. For Tython I don't know what is wrong being sent there. It is a death world for almost everyone and a trial for the rest."

[Layne Hoshin]

"I shouldn't have given in so easily yesterday. I want to be free Baesal," she said after a long pause, "Free from the Dark. Free from the Light. Free from all this conflict. Free from myself. Free to be myself. Free to set things right, which I can't do if I'm stuck. But I can't do anything like this... stuck in prison. Stuck on Tython. Stuck in my head."

"I'm still so very stuck... and the future right now just looks like more of it. No way out."

[Baesal Zyn]

''Freedom is an interesting concept, Layne. Freedom from everything is to be utterly alone...and we shape part of ourselves in our relationship with other people'' she sat down on a crate

''What you never did, for all the years I've known you, is stay still. You were always on the move, rushing to do something. If you wan to be free from yourself and free to be yourself...wouldn't you think a bit of a time out is needed? What on Tython makes you think that being there will hamper you?''

[Layne Hoshin]

"Because it doesn't *do* a damn thing! Because it isn't fair, because, I can name a thousand and one reasons! Because it doesn't let me change anything. It's just sanctimonous jedi nonsense being forced back on me just when I start figuring things out for myself. Everyone acting like they have some secret understanding that I don't, when really you're all just as blind and ignorant as I am. Only difference is I'm not pretending anymore."

[Baesal Zyn]

Baesal straightened visage grew severe, with hints of anger and exasperation

''Shut the kriff up Layne. You fucked up, big time, and not a day after we scooped you up with spoons you go back to acting like you are the only one who matters? Wow...You really learned nothing.''

[Layne Hoshin]

"Finally!" she yells back, mirroring that anger and throwing her hands in the air, "Someone who doesn't just sit there and just frowns at me! You're still wrong though."

"But you want to think this is just about me? Go ahead. Whatever. I *know* I messed it all up. But all of you? You're all just trying to keep me from doing anything about it. Just like you'd let the whole galaxy burn, all the while patting yourselves on the back for sticking to a broken code. Unwilling or too afraid to recognize you could've done something different."

Her raged subsided again for a moment, but soon enough swelled back up again.

"...What's wrong with you people anyway?! Thinking I'm just going to be fine in a day?! How can you tell me to accept who I am, then tell me who I am isn't good enough for you!? You have impossible standards! How can you tell me to make amends, but then deny me the chance to do it!? Sitting in some hole or meditating my life away isn't making any damned amends!"

"...and it doesn't help me either. Not that that's what it's about, if you care at all. Whatever. Maybe it is. If it's going to be like this anyway, I might as well be selfish after all anyway."

[Baesal Zyn]

She was dumfounded

''You really have no clue!'' she threw her hand in the air ''You claim you realize you know nothing but in the same breath you claim to know you know more then everyone.''

She gritted her teeth

''You know the first thing you should learn? Humility. Accept that some people, some institution, know more then you even if they don't know everything. You think the Force will give you the secrets of the universe if you decide to go on alone again? It won't happen. You won't be free either. There are consequences to our actions and accepting them is part of growing up...and guess what?''

she paused

''Those consequences, those amends, aren't yours to decide.''

She stared back

''The Jedi are flawed to be sure but were are there when people needs us, we were there when you needed us. We ain't perfect but no one is. Do you think I have nothing else to do then baby sit your whiny ass? Heck naw! I have a thousand and one things to do but I put those aside because you asked for my help and because I care for you, we all care for you, you imbecile!''

Her visage relaxed

''But after all what we try to do you just spit back in our faces, insult us because...you think you are better? That's rich. Here I though Dark Layne was trying to burn down bridges.''

She closed her eyes

''You are going to Tython and that's that. Like it or not it is the place you need to push yourself. If you don't want to see a jedi there then there are continents filled with flesh eating monsters, forgotten temples and so on. You can spend a lifetime there and still have more things to discover. Meanwhile the galaxy will go on without you, like it does for everyone of us.''

[Layne Hoshin]

"Humility? I know I know nothing. You just *think* you know something, but know nothing at all."

Her features grew cold.

"You don't get to give me a third path and then get upset I'm deciding to take it. Now... I'm going to *do* something today. I'm going to help someone, no matter what any of you say. And then I'm going to help myself. I am never going to let someone else decide whether I deserve to make amends. And if I decide to make them, it will be on my terms, not yours or anyone else's."

[Baesal Zyn]

She slow clapped

''Well done, Layne's first philosophy. You think you gonna win points with that? What do you think I know? Who are you to declare what I know? You don't know you know nothing because if so you would not be making blank statements about how you know what everyone else knows! You are contradicting yourself! You just admitted five seconds ago that you still have not healed, not fine, yet you claim you know exactly what you need? Naw girl, you are just falling in the same pattern again, the same old drug, the same old rush of adrenaline.''

She stared in her eyes

''What you need is kriffin' detox...and detox means time out. You owe us that, at least. By us I mean Daz and me, at minimum.''

She crossed her arms

''Where do you think I got that third path to begin with? What you have comes from Tython and that's not even scratching the surface. There are far more temples then the Jedi one I built. If you were serious you would bloody consider getting a first hand experience, seeing things with your own eyes, rather then keeping to my compilation.''

At her declaration of action she raised her hands

''You want to go help...sure...I won't stop you.'' her eyes squinted ''But are you helping because someone is in trouble and that's the right thing to do or are you helping because you want to feel good about yourself? Like you did all those times before?''

[Layne Hoshin]

She ignored the whole first part of that. It really was just ignorance lashing out; and there wasn't any point in engaging with that.

"You've studied *texts* Baesal. Texts are just texts. Tython is just a place. The emperor is just a dead man. I'm just a person. And the Force is just a mirror. If it's too bright you won't see what it reflects any more than if its too dark."

She balled a fist.

"I'm not trying to feel good. Going to Tython, *that* might feel good. But what I've learned, and what the rest of you seem to refuse to, is that it's *not supposed* to feel that way. The light blinds you from that truth. Fools you into thinking you're taking the high path, when it's anything but. It's just a lie we tell ourselves. For all they get wrong, the Sith at least got *that* part right. You want to help, but all you're doing is making it more difficult. It's *supposed* to be hard. I'm *supposed* to struggle with it. That's what life *is*."

"I'm not a slave anymore, Baesel. And I'm not some broken doll you get to fix up to be more like you, and I won't just be thrown into the pile of old toys either because I'm not what others think I should be. I'm allowed to be selfish and if you think I don't then I don't care. I'm allowed to decide if, when, and how I am to make amends."

"It's supposed to be hard... or it has no meaning."

[Baesal Zyn]

She snapped her fingers

"Exactly!Things are supposed to be hard but what you are avoiding is the notion that what is hard differs from person to person...The hardest thing to do for the Unstoppable Force is not to move in a different direction: it's to stop."

She pointed a Layne

"That's you. Refusing to go to Tython, putting Thy and the Jedi in trouble, to go off on your own is what's easy for you. You don't have to deal with the mess beyond your immediate vicinity. Going from battle to battle is easy for you...because that's what you are used to do. Refusing to listen to people who care and stick their neck out for you is what drove you to the dark to begin with. I am convinced that are not really looking for a third path and that this is, like you blaming the Jedi for not being perfect, just a new reason to keep doing what you always have done."

[Layne Hoshin]

"You're not listening to a word I'm saying," she said, shaking her head, not wanting to argue anymore.

"...You mean well, I know... but you have no idea what it is you're doing to me."

[Baesal Zyn]

"Perhaps I do...perhaps it is you who don't know."

She sighed, tired

"You have been used, abused, manipulated and instructed...but of often have you trusted? Trust enough to let go and have faith in another?" She asked seriously

"We are just asking you to trust us. To trust me. This is not what you want but it may ne what you need."

She raised a hand

"If it helps I will make you a promise. If they keep you locked in a petting zoo...if they force you to do expressionnist dances to let your feelings speak or if they try to put you in the perfect jedi box. I'll smuggle you out myself."

[Layne Hoshin]

"...That's a lot of trust to ask from someone who doesn't receive any in return, and by a group that doesn't really deserve much trust itself anymore."

She was tired as well. The Jedi were wrong, but she was so tired of arguing.

"...Fine... when this is done, I'll do that for a while. Sit on Tython. Or prison. Whatever. But I'm not going to do it before fighting first. I'm gonna get a *fair* trial. I'm going to tell my story and I don't care how selfish it is or how it looks, I'm going to tell them the *whole* story, not just the lie I told to keep this place together. I'm going to tell them *everything* that's ever been done to me to make me this way, and if there's even the slighest trace of fairness in this galaxy, it'll mean I won't end up disappearing for the rest of my life just to sate some drive for pretend justice at the hands of some career politician. *Then* I'll sit around and do this thing. Until my time is served. For *him*."

"...And until any of that happens, I'm going to be fighting to make a difference here. Now. I'm not going to sit around even if you or Thy think I should. That's the only way I can agree to any of this."

[Baesal Zyn]

"By the Force, Layne" she rolled her eyes "Sure, if that gets you to Tython then get a little frustration out before."

"I always had your back, Layne. A lot of people vouched and kept vouching for you. A lot of people trusted you despite what you keep saying. You are not out of the dark yet so I won't take your insults personnaly."

[Layne Hoshin]

She'd said what had to be said. Found some compromise that seemed to work for the time being. Maybe she'd even actually put it into practice in the end. Give people what they seemed to want for her, and give herself what she needs by fighting for her freedom. Meet somewhere in the middle.

That done, she could finally cleanse herself of these emotions. At least until the next time they'd pop up again. Who knew if or when they would. For now though, she just felt a little dead inside.



"Think of it as black and white like that if you want... Well, anyway... I won't deny that *some* of you had my back, you included. I do appreciate it, I mean that. But that doesn't mean all of this couldn't have been avoided if the Jedi Order was half as observant as it thinks it is. That isn't the Dark Side in me speaking, just reality. I told you, the Force is just a mirror. Stop blaming things on the Dark Side. All it does is pull out what's already there."

[Baesal Zyn]

Baesal put her face in her hands

''Here is my perspective''

''The Order has been weakened by three wars now. The mandalorian wars, the Sith wars and most recently the war with the Sith Empire...We lost a lot of people in those years. Elders and children alike. We are stretched thin...and we will be stretched thinner after the new war begins. We will be hunted down...like any one who have the force will.''

She raised her head

''We cannot be everywhere and cannot help all those we want to. That's a mathematical truth. It's not hubris that blinds us but the very fact that we cannot be the glue that holds the galaxy together. Do you think I don't have problems with how the council elects it's priorities? Do you think we only ones who do? Weren't you there on Alderaan where I had to fight everyone to allow the Killik to migrate? I also did not fit in, I also am not the perfect jedi, I also am looked down upon by the tight ass club and those who have barely more personality than a wheel of soft cheese. I also had my crisis of Faith''

She fidgeted with her fingers

''But the Order was there when I needed it, it is there for as much people it can be...and that's something. I just don't take and take and take without giving back. The Order is flawed, like all things, but I have the will and strength to try and fix what I can. The Order is just a tool to serve the Force after all, and tools can be repaired. In the meanwhile I do my best to make sure things keeps working.''

She shakes her head

''Enough with the half-baked philosophies Layne. Since you never bothered to ask what I believe I do get the impression you just want to hammer your new convenient point of view rather then really having a discussion.''

She stood up

''Here I came to talk to you about the holocron and you just end up draining everything I had left after this morning. I need a kriffin' break.''