Hoth: Blood and Ice

[Breela Po]

"Ah well," she shrugs, "I'll tease her about being holocron'd later. I always knew at some point I'd deposit all of my memories into one. Back when I was a stuffy arrogant Padawan that was a goal of mine. To be the best little Jedi I could be." She looks away sadly. "Things never turn out how you want them to do they?"

[Layne Hoshin]

"I don't know," she said, unsure, "I've thought this is how things'd turn out for me for a long time now. Well... once I stopped dreaming about sitting on a throne made from my enemy's bones, at least."

She looked up at the ceiling.

"It'd have been such a nice throne too."

[Breela Po]

"Yeah..." She sighs. "After I identified Khaji's corpse, err- my husband. I remember spending a month meticulously cobbling together a hit list. Ironically Bellious, Baras, Jo'ren... they were all on that list." She scoffs, "I would have personally orchestrated a crusade I was becoming so fixated on the idea of vengeance."

She absently fondles a locket around her neck.

"A few of the masters stuck their noses in my problems. Consoled me, counseled me. Spun my mind in a thousand circles to the point I could do nothing but sit in quiet repressed anger. I tried in vain to find my children. Went home to sit in silence. Tried again, failed. Until after a while I became numb to the world and wanted nothing more than to go on a rampage. But when my head hit the sheets I always knew." Her rhythm slows. "It was my fault. They were dead because of me. Because of the choices I made."

Her fists clench.

"I know I already said this, but find a path that brings you joy. And stick with it. A husband, a wife, a calling, whatever. If you leave the order don't look back. There's nothing here Layne. Just a tired half of an old philosophy. I'm going to take my children back to Alderaan with me and I'm going to stay there. I should have done something similar once we escaped New Farrfin. Instead I rejoined the order, because I wanted that adrenaline rush. I wanted to redeem myself. I wanted to get that high that comes from doing good. And the price was my family."

She shakes her head and unclenches. Tears at the edge of her vision.

"That's my advice," she whispers, "take it or leave it." She resumes at the correct volume. "I know that's not a culturally correct thing for a Jedi to say. But the truth is you killed that lieutenant right? You and I have killed a lot of people. If we stopped and served time for all of the people we've killed, all the betrayals we've done. Would anyone actually gain any benefit from it? The galaxy is apathetic to our struggles, and our suffering. And given time and distance everything you or I have ever done will be forgotten. Nobody will remember, nobody will care. Heroes rise and fall, villains conquer and consume. The wars will wage, the Sith will rage, and the Jedi will muddle. A vicious and stupid cycle." She pauses. "So why bother?"

"In the end, everything we do is on some level self-indulgent. So pick the self you want to indulge, and feed her. Then maybe, just maybe you'll find the peace you seek."

[Layne Hoshin]

"I'm sorry," she said, after listening to all of that. "I agree with everything you said."

She really did. And even so she wasn't sure. She was being pulled at from all directions.

"The others don't understand. I know they just want to help, but they don't understand what it's like for the rest of us. All they can see is the light, and it blinds them to the ways it causes even more suffering in us. Every time they try to help me it just pisses me off. And when they judge me for getting pissed off, it just pisses me off even more."

She sighed. "Did you know my ancestor was Oshin Din? He was one of the original exiles who came to Korriban to form the Sith. Champion of Ajunta Pall.... If the Jedi hadn't been so extreme about clinging to the light, maybe they wouldn't have been exiled. And if they hadn't been exiled, they might not have fallen the way they did. The Sith as we know them wouldn't exist."

"I met his ghost on Korriban. Long forgotten by the Sith that came after him. He helped me, as his legacy. And in the end, he helped me turn to the light, and by doing so he did the same for himself. Another ghost, the one he birthed my line with, came back to life through possession. In the end, I like to think she went back into the light too. Sacrificing herself for something greater. I think that's in our blood. We screw up so bad, but in the end we do things right. It took them thousands of years to get there though..."

"...if they weren't family, I don't know if I'd think they deserved redemption. I don't know if *I* do, either. But I know that if I do, it can't just be forced on me by others."

[Breela Po]

"You're right," Breela smiles warmly. "This is your choice. And the others... well. They have their own paths."

"Take Tethys for instance," she laughs, "Tethys is the me that stayed a Jedi. A stuffy zealot. Who I'd encourage to never find attachments. To stay the course and chase those passions she'll never admit to having. And I'd do that because eventually, I believe, she'll hit a wall - a wall she needs to hit. She'll have to face regrets and decisions just like we did. But it'll make her the best version of herself in the end."

She grins, "Look at who I am now honestly. Would you ever believe we had a single thing in common? Tethys and I?"

After a pause.

"Mhmm, look I know it all seems contradictory. But I can only advise as if I'm talking to another version of myself. I'm only wiser than the person I was a year ago. So you'll have to decide. You'll have to pool the nuggets of wisdom from all of us, and from within. Pool them together and use them to face yourself. Be hard on yourself, admit the dark things within you." She looks at you earnestly, "Accept them. Then after you've steeped in darkness long enough go find a warm, sunny, grassy knoll, and just lie there. Take in the sun for a bit. Then admit to yourself that the universe isn't as bad as you think it is. Remember that there is always good to be found, always hope."

"At least that's what I'd do. I hope that helps."

[Layne Hoshin]

"Maybe," she said, knowing it all made sense. But then, others said different things that *also* made sense. And then *other* other people said different different things, and those made sense *too*.

"Today though, let's just find those kids of yours. So, tell me what I'm looking for? So I won't just grab some random kids without thinking."

[Breela Po]

"Hmmm," Breela thinks about it. "Well Z, my daughter. Her coat was white and creme colored with some of Khaji's stripes. Brown and black. Same for Tor really. Except Tor looked more like me, and Z looked more like Khaji. Bear in mind..." she sighs bitterly, "They were taken from me something like a decade ago. They were cubs then. They'll be post adolescent now, just shy of young adulthood."

She attempts a smile, "Safe to assume that if they're farghul, they're probably my child. We don't like cold climates."

[Layne Hoshin]

"Slavers rarely care about where their cargo gets sold," she said, her eyes briefly adopting that sort of thousand space-yards stare that indicated her words weren't just words to her.

"They'll have a lot of scars when they're returned to you, sorry to say. Physical and emotional. I don't have any advice to give you on how to help them once they're free... after all, turns out I haven't really figured out how to get past that part of my life myself. It's going to stay with them for the rest of their lives and it's going to make them hell to deal with for you sometimes. But you can give them something to hold on to, at least. Something real."

[Breela Po]

Breela suddenly feels very cold and shivers. "I've stared death in the face countless times. But this... this is a fear that transcends any I've ever known. It's paralytic, gnawing, inscrutable. I don't know how to help them. Except to hold them and be there for them. I'll have no words, and maybe there aren't any."

She looks at you sadly, "In this you are wiser than myself by lightyears. I'll defer to any wisdom you can offer."

[Layne Hoshin]

"I have no wisdom here. All I have is pain and regret. But they have more than I had. They have you."

[Breela Po]

She reaches out and squeezes your arm as if to say, ‘You have me too, if ever you need me.’

“I’ve got some more preparations to make, let’s talk after today’s planning.”

/scene for realz this time.