Hoth: Blood and Ice

Judgement had been rendered and Layne was now 'free' to wander around, to some extent anyway. She wasn't sure the trial had entirely concluded in the manner it should've, but it been a step on the path at least. She knew what she had to do; more or less. And it was both harder and easier than she'd ever imagined it could be.

With that feeling taking hold of her, she sought out Thy Yulani, who had asked for a word.

Thy’s room was no larger than anyone else but seemed large because she kept only a rolled up bed and a meditation mat on the floor with a portable table currently neatly folded and stowed with the rest of her gear.

She bade Layne enter and said once the door closed, “I am glad you came, you probably have questions or concerns, and I know I do as well about your future, and your current situation. First, I want you to spend time meditating on what has transpired. I don’t want you to involve yourself in any high stress situations or duties, and I want you to consider exile on Tython not a punishment but a chance for peace and rehabilitation.”

She then added, “Two more things, you should create a message for the family of Lt. Henley and make amends with Daz, when you are ready.”

She gestured for her to sit after that.

“Tea?” she asked.

"Yes, of course."

She seemed to say those words in response to the need to write a message, and to make amends with Daz, but it might also have applied to the offer of tea.

Sitting down, Layne's features seemed much improved to what they had been earlier in the day. And in many ways even compared to the previous time they'd met, before she had gone into the vergence that second time.

"And I don't see Tython as punishment, quite the opposite..."

A melancholy smile briefly made itself known on her lips as she mentally corrected herself before saying the words themselves.

"...No, the opposite would mean it's a reward I suppose. And that's not what it'd be either."

"It won't be a vacation," she said as she turned and instructed a small ball like droid to steep some tea. "What do you feel is fair?"

"Fair? I don't know. That is not for me to say, but for others to decide. If you'd asked me this morning, I'd have to say that being offered the gift of being allowed to work towards my redemption wasn't it. That I had to be punished in the harshest way imaginable."

She said those words, but Layne now had the look of someone who had decided to try and stop feeling sorry for herself.

"And now? Well, now I believe it isn't about what's fair or not. It never was."

Layne looked at the droid for a moment as it went to work, then turned to Thy again; to give her the chance to look her in the eyes and see what she was feeling even if for some reason she wasn't using the Force to sense it.

"I went into the Darkness to find something, but I didn't *really* know what that something was until I actually found it. In retrospect, it seems so obvious of course. And so sad, that she had to die before I could realize I didn't have to do it. Naturally, amends must be made for that. But it's not about fairness and forgiveness, is it? That is what comes later."

"It was all about learning to accept myself, first."

She took in a breathe, calm and centered now, letting it sit for a moment before exhaling.

"I never learned how to do that, Thy. But I'm learning now. And in a way... and I know this may sound like I haven't learned anything, but in a way I believe that Tython would only impede that learning process."

"You have to go somewhere, Layne. When we finish this mission, Senator Saresh will want you held accountable. I don't think the alternative would do you any good," she said grimly.

"Maybe not," she said, "I don't know to what she alluded after all. But Tython... the Jedi..."

She looked thoughtful for a moment.

"...I believe the Jedi are a force for good in the universe. I believe that whole-heartedly. But I no longer believe they're completely *right*. I joined the Jedi before I was ready, and before long I was in too deep. I had all these *feelings* that I needed to sort out, but I didn't allow myself to, and the Jedi couldn't understand. So I instead tried to resolve them by going after the emperor... save the galaxy so I could offset all the things I'd done. It became an obsession for me. And when I thought it was done, then I did all the things the Jedi taught me to do, and I stepped into the light."

"But you can't resolve feelings by denying them. By closing yourself off from them because they're thought to be a path to the Dark Side. How can I possibly turn from the Dark Side, if the feelings that took me there are simply surpressed? I *need* to feel what I feel, Thy, or it'll all be for nothing. If I'm to ever walk in the Light again, I must live with these feelings first and learn to accept them as a part of myself. I need to be in balance first. I need to..."

What was it that had been on that crystal Baesal had given her? She'd only read parts of it, but a few things stuck.

"...I need to be the Heart of the Force, first."

Thy nodded and said, "And you think the Jedi would hinder that growth?"

"They did before," she said, "though with the best of intentions."

"Well we try to pave the road with good intentions," she said lightly with a smile.

So did I, she thought, though there was no self-pity in it this time. Merely acknowledgement.

She nodded; similarly acknowledging Thy's words.

"I didn't really ask for your opinion before, the last time we spoke. Before the trial. Didn't really ask anyone for their opinion. Well, a lot of people have offered theirs to me today. And I mostly just listened to them. Well, argued a little here and there, but still listened. Even though I didn't ask for their opinions..."

"...They helped. All of them. Don't necessarily agree with everything said, but they all had something to say I needed to hear. Made me figure out a few things about myself. Like how it's okay to just listen to people's advice and opinions and take it all in. It doesn't have to be so black and white, either they're right and I'm wrong, or I'm right and they're wrong. So, this time I want to ask for your opinion on what I've said, instead of blocking it off for fear it would override my own."

Thy listened and sat in thought and said, "I have nothing, Layne. Okay maybe one thing. Only this, it is never too late to start doing some good."

"I intend to," she said, "...gonna be a bit hard while sitting on my hands on Tython though. Or just here on base."

She sighed. "There's a war coming Thy. I don't know exactly when, but it's coming real soon. I have no doubt of it. And in the vision I saw, I was told I'd be wasting my time chasing down ghosts as the galaxy burned around me. And it would end up costing me everything. I think I've moved away from *that* path at least. But.. I don't want to make the mistake of rushing out there only to pin every one of my hopes on doing some ultimate good deed again..."

"...but I also don't want to just end up, not being out there, doing what I can do. Do some good the best way I can."

"Then do some good, but for now you need to earn your chance to do anything more than labor around the base," she said honestly.

"...and how am I supposed to do that with what little time we have left?"

"I think that is the question you need to answer," she said, now pouring the steeped tea. "None of us have infinite time, Layne."

She held out a hand; trying to reach out with the Force to help pour the tea. Perhaps to make some sort of point even.

Move: 2eF 2 Dark Side


But unfortunately only the Dark Side answered her call; and while she had talked of needing to walk the path of balance, she'd been tipping over too far to that side. So rather than calling on that darkness now, she just lowered her hand again without doing a thing.

"...all I'm saying is, when the time comes... and it may come sooner than you think... please... don't force me to just stand by and not do what I'm best at. Like you said, we don't have infinite time with which we can do some good."

"If the thing you are best at is fighting, then this is exactly the break you need," she said sternly.

"This is what I was talking about, Thy. I know you have the best of intentions, but you're so worried about what's best for me that you're not letting me find that answer for myself."

She reached out with a hand again; seeing if anything had changed. But again it was only the Dark Side that answered her call.

Move #2: 2eF 2 Dark Side


Well, she could accept that for now, and smiled to herself for a moment, before shaking her head and dropping her hand without calling on the Force to move the cup.

"No, it's not even about you. We, as in the whole base, cannot trust you with your weapons. You killed someone in cold blood, no matter your reason, you need to earn that trust back, and this isn't helping," she said firmly.

"Find another way to be of use, but this is closed until such time you can be trusted."

She reached out one final time at that.

Last attempt at Move: 2eF 2 Dark Side


But again, the Light did not answer. Probably because she was too frustrated at what Thy was saying; frustration that might've been visible in her face for a few moments as she considered simply giving in to using the Dark Side for nothing more than lifting a tea cup to her hands...

...but in the end, she told herself not to.

"...I see."

She pushed the frustration down to the best of her abilities, which took a bit of effort but which she managed to do with some time.

"...Then... will you help me meditate on trying to find an answer to how I can do that?"

"Yes," she said warmly.

"Thank you," she said, waiting to see how Thy would do so.

(OOC: As I haven't spent my XP yet, if a mentor bonus would apply here, I could spend the XP on Foresee for the purposes of this meditation and its intended effect?)

Thy meditates and guides Layne.

OOC: Acceptable.

/scene

She followed the guided meditation and lessons; and attempted to let the Force guide her in some way to help earn that trust back; if at all possible to any extent.

Foresee: 2eF 2 Light Side, 1 Dark Side


[Destiny spent, 2 strain taken on Light Side pips, not sure if she takes conflict or not, I think not?]