Hoth: Blood and Ice

It was lunch time and Pipka left the mess with a plate of Endorian fried chicken and a heaping bowl of macaroni and goat cheese, made fresh by Sgt. Dereegs for the prisoner. He brought along his own contributions as well.

"Hello, I'm Pipka, I brought some lunch." He announces himself before walking in with the food in hand and a baby goat in tow.

She didn't really move much at the sound of the voice; showing no great enthusiasm over the prospect of either food or company. After a moment though, she did lift her head very slightly, eyes looking toward the voice...

...and the goat.

"...Am I supposed to eat that?"

"Yeah, Sgt. Dereegs made it fresh. We got some Endorian chickens from junktown and I've been making the goat cheese." He looks down, following her eyeline to Chloe. "No, not Chloe... at least not yet." It was a truth he had come to terms with, some of his tribe would need to make the ultimate sacrifice for the survival of the base.

"I figured you would want a hot, home-cooked meal after spending so much time out in the wastes. I also thought you might want to warm up some, so I brought some warm, fuzzy socks and a blanket for you." The blanket and socks are made from soft, fluffy goats' wool. The socks are small, but will stretch and the blanket is more of a lap blanket than a full sized one.

She looked at the little alien for a good long while, and then just sighed. Even now, some people were still just trying to give her what she didn't deserve...

...or maybe thinking like that was what got her to this point in the first place.

"...Thanks."

She finally managed to move to any real degree, reaching out for the food as she decided to accept that basic kindness for herself.

Pipka hands over the food and lays the socks and blanket down on her bunk. "You're very welcome."

Chloe takes a few steps into the room, finds a nice nook, bleats and lies down.

Nose twitching slightly, Pipka detects a familiar mix of pheromones in the air, his time as a slave had exposed him to it many times. Plenty of fear, doubt, shame, inadequacy, and the smallest note of hope.

"I know the things they are saying you did, and maybe you did do them. But I also know some of the things you've done in the past, the people you've saved and the lives you've changed. What I think, is that we don't always get a choice in what we do. Both the Jedi and the Sith are always speaking about the will of the Force."

He pauses a moment before continuing on, "I was raised as a slave and had very little choice in what I did in my early life, and even now that I am free there are still things that I am a slave to. On the day you disappeared, I shot down a pirate shuttle, blew it up and all the pirates around it. They cheered for me and celebrated the victory, but those pirates were sentient beings, they had friends and families and maybe even goats waiting for them back in their homes. I was free to step aside and let the pirates leave, but I chose to act to end the danger to those around me and prevent future hardships and retaliation for the Ortolans. I was lucky that the innocent Ortolans the pirates were holding hostages weren't hurt in the skirmish, but that's not always the case.

When I was a slave, there were times when I was called on to do unspeakable things, to punish my fellow slaves or to make an example of others. These things can not be undone, but I can move on from them and I have.

There may not be a collar around your neck, or a brand on your skin, but that doesn't mean you are free. That being said, not being free and doing things we wish we didn't have to doesn't mean that we are without hope." He steps over to Chloe and rubs her behind her ears, "As long as we keep moving forward, there is always hope."

Layne took a deep breath. And then another. Maybe there was even a tear or two welling up.

"Those people I saved? The lives I saved... I did it all for me. And it was never enough."

She looked at him for a good long time.

"I don't think I've ever told anyone the full truth of what I'd done, before becoming Sith..."

...she was deciding whether now was the time to tell, or whether it would just sound like a plea for pity to someone who had apparently managed to overcome things that weren't so different from the story she might be about to tell.

"No one said you had to do good things selflessly... Well maybe some Jedi say that, but my clan, the Turtle, they do a lot of good things for pay, at least I'm pretty sure we get paid. Good things still get done."

The air changes. Pipka could tell she was hesitant to communicate, to share, to unburden herself. The last thing she needed to release that burden was more pressure added on.

"Well, if you want, I'm here and I don't have anything else planned for the day. I can sit here and we can talk, you can talk about the past, the present, or even the future. I can talk about how my goats have been doing, the different varieties of goat cheese I've been making, and my experiments with goats' milk soap, which I think we can all agree is much needed around here. I can even read to you, I've got the complete works of Jerri Organa on my datapad here."

There was a *very* deep sigh at the mention of Jerri. And it didn't sound like the good kind. But she pushed past it. Grew silent again. Mulled over what he'd said *before* he had almost ruined with that last bit. For a while it seemed as if she might've decided to just stay quiet and not say anything at all. Until she took in a deep breath again.

"...I barely remember my parents..." she started, "...the Oblivion's Jaw took them from me when I was barely old enough to understand anything. They killed everyone in the settlement they didn't sell into slavery, then kept me as their pet mascotte."

She exhaled some air in a half-huff, half-scoff.

"...Kriff, I was just this little kid you know? But they found uses for me. Open that door in case it's boobytrapped. Crawl through that airduct and get the stuff. Be a human shield for the captain. Walk into a settlement pretending I'm lost, then run back to tell them where all the guards and turrets were. How many good potential slaves there were. If they needed entertainment, well, they had a betting pool for that. Makeshift little arena on the ship, me against whoever or whatever they could scrounge up. Droids, beasts, slaves that couldn't be sold for some reason. Even other kids sometimes..."

She looked down at the floor.

"...wasn't meant to be to the death... not usually... but stuff happens you know?"

Another deep inhalation of breath before she continued.

"They finally sold me when I started getting too old to crawl through the airducts. Probably thought I was getting to be a liability too, and besides, I got strong enough that they'd pay good money for me on Kessel. Wasn't just gonna die within a month or year like most slaves that ended up there. You know how many people I helped end up there? 'Cause I don't know. I lost count. Kriff, I even lost count of the ones that survived long enough for me to recognize. And some remembered me too. I think you can guess what they'd do to someone like me in a place like that. But I'm not asking for pity. Didn't ask then either. Didn't need to. I fought back..."

"...I put them there. And then I put them in the ground. That was all on me."

She'd never told that story to anyone. There were maybe a handful of people in the galaxy who knew parts of it, and that was only because they'd been there themselves.

"...Becoming a Sith came years later... but people know that story. The parts that matter, anyway. I'm not gonna bother repeating it. People are already too convinced it was the Sith that twisted me. Truth is, I was always like this. From the beginning..."

"...and I've been running away from it my whole life."

Nodding along and letting out little knowing grunts as she tells her story, he listens intently, hearing a tale very similar to his own. His clan decimated, made into a mascot by his various owners, even the air ducts. They begin to diverge as she grows out of her cute phase. Here he had lucked out and stalled in this position among the slaves.

Pipka's eyes tear up as young Layne goes through horrors he wouldn't wish on anyone. By the end, the tears are flowing freely, but silently.

After wiping his face on the side of Chloe, he speaks up, "I don't pity you, I accept you. I see that you have been carrying this guilt for far too many years.

I mentioned that I was called on at times by my masters to punish my fellow slaves. They chose me because I was everyone's friend, there wasn't anyone I held a grudge against or didn't get along with, so it was that much more of a punishment for their offenses and sent a clear message that the masters would not be disobeyed. Once, there was a human, he was very friendly and chatted with me often. One day, he stole from the master and so I was called on, once again, this time to punish him. Now every other time I had to deliver the masters' punishments, those slaves would avoid me after, but this man, he came right back to me the next day, barely able to walk, and picked up the conversation we were having the day before. I was curious what was different, so I asked and he said to me, 'Why would I blame you for the actions of our master?'

I'm sorry those slaves attacked you, that they blamed you for the actions of your masters. But it sounds like you don't blame the slaves for their actions, for attacking you. They chose what they did but you were forced... So why do you blame yourself?"

She sat there in silence for a bit, wondering the same thing.

"...because someone should... and because sometimes, I was the one who chose."

Her gaze moved downward again. "...and because I just made it all so much worse, thinking I could make it right by making that same wrong choice one final time, just to be learn there was no reason to do so in the first place."

"Oh, it sounds like there are plenty blaming you, and always have been. But, there is a difference between taking responsibility for your actions and blaming yourself. I think you need to focus less on the sins of the past and look to the future with the experience you've gained."

Pipka starts to get fired up, "There are those who have lived gifted lives. They've been loved and cared for and shown how to do good from the day they were born. Then there's others like you and me. While they were led to this life, we have fought for it and we have earned it. By all rights, we should have given in to our hardships, but here we are.

The other Jedi might avoid the Dark Side because they've been taught it's bad, but you've been there. You experienced what it had to offer and you chose to leave.

We choose to defy our pasts, to defy what the universe is trying to make us into and to be better. And it's okay to make wrong choices, if there weren't wrong choices, there wouldn't be any right choices to make. There's that balance you Force users are always talking about right? It's not balanced if it's always good, that's why there's the Sith and the dark side, and slaves and masters. While you are moving forward, there is still a chance to make a new choice.

That man I mentioned earlier, he told me, 'Don't regret the past, because even our mistakes... sometimes especially our mistakes, lead us to where we are, and we tend to be exactly where we need to be. I am one with the Force and the Force is with me.'"

"I chose to leave the darkness..." she said, "...and I chose to come back to it."

A pause.

"...but I *am* beginning to come around to the idea I'd been wrong about how this all works. Accepting myself."

Pipka seems pleased. Maybe this was a small breakthrough and little victories deserved to be celebrated. "See, not a one way door, in either direction, or on multiple trips... in fact, why even have a door." He wipes at his eyes, "Are you a hugger? Because I feel like this is a good time for a hug."

"...I'm not known to be a hugger... but I could make an exception."

Pipka stands on his tiptoes to give the best hug he can manage.

"Now about taking responsibility. It's not something that you have to do, but what I started doing... after I took my first life, was to make a little memorial for the victim. For me, it's about acknowledging that I harmed that person, that it is because of me they are no longer around. I made a choice, even if I didn't feel like I had other options at the time, and I need to take ownership of that. In my personal experience and in what I've sensed in others, shame is the driving force behind guilt. Once you can let go of the shame, the guilt will follow, and then you can grow from your experience instead of being held down by it.

That is how I've put my past behind me and become the Chadra-Fan I am today. I'm not saying it will work for you, or at least not immediately, but it's a step."

She did lean into the hug a little; despite the awkward physics involved; her thoughts going over some of the day's conversations, and those that came before it as well. Everyone else really seemed to have it all figured out. So many people were giving her all sorts of advice, telling her the kinds of things she knew she needed to listen to. People who'd been saying it to her all along. People she'd have never expected it from. People she didn't even know.

"...Thank you... What did you say your name was again?"

"I'm Pipka. I've become something of a morale officer around here.

We can keep this conversation a little secret between us, what you said and what I've said.

Most of the people on this base have only seen one side of me. I try to be who they need, just like I tried to be who my fellow slaves needed. Maybe it's part of my own penance, or maybe it's what I need from myself. Either way, it's who I choose to be.

We all have our own paths."

"Sure," she gave him a melancholic little smile, "I won't tell anyone about you."

She sat back up a little straighter, after that.

"...And my name's Layne Hoshin," she said, having *no* idea what that introduction might be about to unleash.

"You are very well known around the base Master Hoshin. Small base with lots of rumor mills."

He is silent for a moment, noting a touch more anxiety in the air and her expectant stare.

"I'm sorry for teasing you earlier about reading Jerri's books, I have to admit that I've heard about your connection with him. I know it's not an appropriate time to go into all that... But maybe after this is settled we can sit down and talk about it some more... Or maybe you could tell me more about Jerri. And I've been working on a manuscript that you might want to read and maybe pass on to him. Or maybe after we get off Hoth you could introduce me to him?"

In some way, *this* is what she needed right now too. The absurdity of it all; feeling so sorry for herself, all the despair over what she'd done and what she might still cause as a result, everyone trying to tell it was okay to forgive herself and her just stubbornly refusing to listen... The whole *murder* trial thing.

And here was this little alien just going into fanboy mode over *Jerri*, of all people...

...she couldn't help but laugh at that. Genuine laughter of the kind she couldn't remember ever engaging in...

It was like the Force was telling her it was okay to just... be okay.

"...thanks," she said after the laugh died down. Melancholy returned to her expression, but it felt lessened by no insignificant amount.

"...Jerri, well... you might want to pick another idol, little buddy. He's not terrible I guess, but... he's still Jerri."

The mood was lighter in the air, and despite her words, he could not detect jealously from her. This one was a master of deception.

But he could understand her reticence. If Pipka had been caught up in something like the maelstrom of passion that was Jerri, he too would guard that against any interlopers.

"I understand."

He reaches down to pet Chloe. "If you'd like, we can chat about something else, or we can relax with Chloe here, or I could leave her here with you if you need some time mostly alone. The choice is yours."

She thought about it for a moment, her head coming to rest against the back wall.

"...I never figured out why people read those books. Maybe you could tell me?"

'Ah, very clever,' Pipka thought, 'Nudimsu does this at times, ask non-chalantly about something he is actually very interested in. She doesn't want to reveal what a big fan she is, or more likely what an intimate relationship she shares, so she is asking me to expound upon his virtues as a writer in her place.'

"Well, it goes without saying that the quality of his prose is unparalleled. The flow of his writing and his use of the vernacular is beyond anything his contemporaries have accomplished. But! The most astounding facet of his works are the descriptions. I have amassed a catalog of each physical characteristic and character trait and the corresponding descriptive texts he has used to invite the reader into his mind. Did you know, by my count, he has provided 184 different analogues for a state of arousal, based on 327 different portrayals of the male and female body. He could spend the rest of his days teaching future generations of writers and still not bestow the breadth of his knowledge and talent."

This was a mistake...

"...I... uh... see. Is that all there is to it?"

If it was... well, erotic fiction being the top seller that it was might say... something... about the state of the galaxy? She wasn't sure. But whatever, it allowed the conversation to keep going when she needed something to listen to, and it seemed to make the little guy happy to talk about it so...

...so what if she was listening to a chadra-fan fan-out over the fanfiction porn Jerri'd written about her?

"...I heard there was a noodle scene in it," she said, hesitating. She hadn't actually read that part, just heard about it. "...just so you know, there was no noodle scene in real life."

"Oh, there's much more."

Then Layne mentions the Noodle Scene from Jerri's latest release. Pipka had his doubts before, but this confirms it. There was 100% a noodle scene in real life.

"So, beyond the technical skills, there's the encounters he creates, leading his readers on adventures most of us couldn't even imagine without his guidance. It may not seem as enticing if you live through it first hand." He says with a conspiratorial wink. "But for the rest of us, the excitement, the danger, the sexual tension, and the release. That's not something we will ever have. Through his vast, personal experiences, Jerri let's the rest of us live vicariously. It wouldn't be an overstatement to say he has inspired the countless masses to live more."